I’m embarrassed to say that up until a couple years ago, I’d have to admit that my answer to that question would be Fuji, my then 15-year- old calico cat.

Before I became an Animal Communicator, I had never even heard the term “Emotional Leadership,” and I had to see it play out before my very eyes before I had my big “aha” moment as a pet mom.

My cat population had dwindled down to a meager two: Pumpkin my 10-year-old fluffy, gold Walmart greeter who loved everyone, and Fuji, my snarky, opinionated, yet lovable matriarch. Fuji had welcomed at least eight other cats over the years – with no difficulty – until Lilli joined us.

Lilli entered the household at age 12, almost fully blind. I adopted her when I went to purchase bookshelves from a couple looking to re-home her when they sold their house, and would be living in temporary homes indefinitely. They were afraid Lilli wouldn’t be able to adjust to the constant upheaval because of her blindness.

I showed up on the scene to purchase the bookshelves just five days before the new owners would take possession of their house. They were in a desperate place with Lilli, frantically looking for a new family for her. Time was running out.

For the previous four months, I had a sense that it was time to bring another cat into the fold, but had no idea how to make that happen. In the past, my cats always found me!

Well, two days later I brought this beautiful, long-haired, muted tri-colored cat with a white muzzle and white paws home to join the family. Meanwhile I had done all the animal communication preparations I knew, in talking to each of the animals involved (Lilli, her two siblings, and my two cats) to let them know what was going to happen.

I had brought so many new cats into the house many times before, it didn’t even enter my mind that there would be a problem. I set up a bed for her, along with food, water, and a litter box in my basement bedroom, which included a small bathroom.

Pumpkin was welcoming, and became her new best friend. Fuji on the other hand, was apparently sick and tired of allowing any more cats in, so she began to bully Lilli, despite Lilli’s attempts to befriend her. She’d scare her whenever possible, usually by approaching her with hissing and swatting, forcing her to run for safety (not an easy job for a blind cat.)

The worst was being bullied while using the litter box. Lilli became scared to use the permanent common box in the utility room, and retreated to the “temporary” one I had set up in my bathroom. I became a prisoner in my own bathroom, having to navigate around that box for simple tasks like taking a shower.

I didn’t realize how captive I was to these cats until one day when Fuji made a rare appearance in my bedroom. Before Lilli arrived, she was a frequent visitor and often slept in the bed with me, but Lilli’s presence was upsetting to her. I had initially put Lilli in my room so she would have a safe place, until she was comfortable enough to explore the rest of the house. That seemed reasonable.

The following eye-opening incident happened about eight months into this adoption. I was in my basement bedroom with Lilli, and Fuji marched down the stairs over towards us. Could this be a breakthrough?

Au Contraire! She strutted by both Lilli and myself with her grandiose attitude and demeanor, pretending to go towards the bathroom to get some water. Instead, she positioned herself next to Lilli, hissed at her defiantly, turned and strutted away, purring as loudly as she could with a totally smug look on her face. I watched in horror. This cat is running my household.

While both sad and funny at the same time, I had to figure out a way to change the dynamics of my home and our relationships.

Were there other times when I allowed my cats to rule? 15 years earlier, when Fuji was a young cat and one of eight, I had a black and white male cat named Georgie that had been a stray and joined the family in 2002.

I marveled at how Georgie moved in and had such a way about him that despite the fact that he was not the oldest male, within a few years he became the King Cat. All the other cats respected him, everyone got along, and there were no behavior issues. 

After he died, there was no strong adult male cat to “take over the cat kingdom,” and I started noticing behavior problems like spraying. What’s going on here?

The other animals had felt secure with Georgie, but not with anybody else. I kept looking to see who was going to step up to the position and keep them in order, but nothing changed.

The incident between Fuji and Lilli, and my recollection of Georgie led to my “aha” moment regarding Emotional Leadership. I was supposed to be that one! I did not have the respect of my animals, and consequently they were running the show.

This is my summary of what I now understand Emotional Leadership to look like in my life: Each one of my animals knows that I’ve got their back! I had to make some changes to bring this about, and change the household dynamics.

Here are some of the things I did, and I believe are helpful to anyone needing to regain the leadership over their beloved pets. Please note: if you have a trainer, keep working with them, or you may need to get one, especially for dog parents.

(1) Visualizations: The goal is to shift the energy in the house! I drew pictures of what I wanted the household to look like, primarily with stick figures, as my artistic ability is limited. The intention behind it is vitally important. In my picture, I am larger than my animals, and I made a circle to connect each one to me. Then I sat with the picture, closed my eyes, and felt what that would be like. In my heart, I let each cat know that I had their back and that I was a place of safety for them. I did this daily – and still do – as part of my morning prayer and meditation practice.

(2) Being Fully Present to Them: This means to turn off the electronic devices when I’m with them one-on-one and they want my attention (unless we’re all watching TV together). They can feel it when I’m not present to them, like if I’m playing with my cell phone or talking to someone else. Another example would be when you’re playing with your dog or taking them for a walk. How many times do I see people on their phones at the park when they’re walking their dogs? Way too many…

(3) Just Be Together: Schedule specific time (even on the calendar if necessary) with each animal to play, or love on them! This might rejuvenate you, too.

(4) The Infinity Sign – Another energy shifting technique I did when Lilli and Fuji were really struggling, was to repeatedly draw the infinity sign (a sideways figure 8) in the air with my hand, directing it towards both of them, while I repeated the phrase: “The infinite potential of the greatest possibility of every cell.” I softened my face and smiled, essentially pouring love into both them and myself at the same time. 

So, I ask you again: Who is running your household? My answer now is: I AM!

If your answer is something different, I hope you’ll consider what changes you can make to improve your household dynamics and bring about more harmony, trust and respect. Your pets will feel safer, and your relationships with them will improve. I’m happy to say that Fuji and Lilli can now share the same space without hissing, swatting, or bullying. They even eat together, and I’m finally back to just one litter box!

Have a great day!

Kathy Boyer, The Pet Connector